Thursday, January 25, 2007

Humility, Thy Name is the Jeapordy On-Line Test

Yeah, I took the Jeapordy On-Line exam. You see, I'm a pretty smart cookie. I know a lot of stuff. I sit watching the show answering the questions left and right. Appalled at how the contestants can be so uninformed. "Who was Bilbo? not Frodo, you dummies!"

So. I signed up to take the exam. I was gonna nail that sucker. It'd just be a matter of time until I would be telling Alex Trebek about some dumb thing I did in college or on my honeymoon, or whatever after the first commercial break, no doubt with yours truly in control of the board. Look out Ken Jennings, I'm gonna play whoopass on Jeapordy.

Tuesday evening, 8:00PM rolls around. I'm a bit nervous, but confident. The clock counts down to zero and the fun begins. The first question pops up. Uh, well, I don't know that one, but hey, let's move on. There's fifty questions. Missing one can't hurt. The second question appears. Hmmm. Well, I uh - on to number three. Hey, I know that one - clack, clack, clack, clack, clack. Nailed it! Number four. Oh, that's uh, oh yeah, er no, uh oops, time's up. Well, crap! Number five. Got it. Number six. I got no idea. The Sargasso Sea? Where the hell is that? Screw it. Number seven. Oh, man. I know that, I know that. Ed Asner! No, no, he was the actor. Who was his character? Time's up, again. Damn! Lou Grant, dammit! Lou Grant for crying out loud. Oh, yeah - Number eight. Woohoo. I know that one. Number nine. That one, too. Now I'm rollin'. Number ten. Oh, boy. What was his name? No, I mean what did he write? "The Tell Tale Heart?" No, that was Poe. Damn, damn, damn! Number eleven - - - and so it goes.

Uh, don't look for me on Jeapordy any time soon. I can't even take the on-line exam again for two years. Talk about a come down. I'm a smart guy, darn it. I shoulda maxed that test. Of course, I am getting a bit long in the tooth. Not as quick as I used to be. Who am I kidding? No one ever mistook me for a bolt of lightning. But, hell, how hard can it be? By golly, I'm gonna bone up over the next couple of years. I'm gonna study - what? Everything. I'll study every damn thing there is. I gotta get on top of all those English kings and queens. The French ones, too. And the Italians, and the Germans, and the Russians, and the - oh, well, I'll get to all of them eventually. I also gotta know about all those "potent potables" - What the hell is a Shiraz?, and all of the vice presidential wives, and all of the Secretaries of State, and, oh yeah and lyrics of all Kurt Cobain's songs, and what phylum arachnids are in, or is arachnid the phylum? No, that's the class, or maybe the species. What was the name of the chimp on the first "Today" show? Fred J. Suggs er no, Muggs. Yeah, Fred J. Muggs. Right? Oh, man. I don't know. I mean, I know, but I don't know.


Maybe I just oughta keep answering the questions over dinner. No pressure. Just keep the mac & cheese coming.


1 comment:

tina said...

I thought this was hilarious! My sister and her husband are die hard fans of Jeopardy. They were so mad when the network showed the basketball games when there was a triple tie on there!